"A Weekend with Aunt Angel"
by Halie
I was looking frantically for my books on Japanese clothing. I was going to my aunt’s house because we were going to make me a Halloween outfit. We were going to make a beautiful gold and crimson Kimono. I found my books on my bed under the covers after I threw them across the room. My mom honked at me from the garage, a sure signal for me to hurry up. I ran down the stairs almost tripping on my way out. I yelled bye to all my family on the way out.
My aunt’s house is a quaint little building, vines and other wallflowers growing on the side. The only thing that would seem out of place was her dogs. Thor, Sandy, and Koda are all her ‘babies’. They bark madly at any passerby, beckoning the poor, petrified person to let them out. They don’t mean any harm they just really want to play. My aunt Angel greeted us at her door. We all got settled and mom left. Angel told me to go to bed because it was late and we had a big day tomorrow.
I woke up that morning to the smell of eggs. Angel was making breakfast. We ate and went to Joanns Fabric Shop. They had an amazing selection of fabrics. I looked at the prettiest embroidered ones that were, of course, the most expensive. Angel gently veered me away from those and looked at something less expensive but still pretty. I picked out this crimson fabric with golden dragons and phoenixes on it.
It was going good until I herd Angel yell. Angel was working on the sleeve when she got the needle lodged in her finger. I was upset at myself for pushing her too late. “I can’t sew when I’m tired,” she says to me. I said I sorry. And we went to bed. I couldn’t stop feeling guilty.
We continued working the next morning, and finally it was finished. Angel told me to try it on. It fit really nice. I felt really nice in it, the sash wasn’t too tight, the colors were gorgeous, and I looked pretty. Mom came in a few minutes later and started taking pictures. It was a bit embarrassing, but it was worth it. I still have the pictures today.
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1 comment:
Halie -- first of all, great job on getting this completed. Not only that, but considering this is your first draft, its really great and needs very little revising.
However, I do have a suggestion that I really feel strongly that you should take. The transition from the 3rd paragraph to the 4th paragraph is kind of abrupt. In the 3rd paragraph you are talking about the fabric store and selecting the fabric. In the 4th paragraph, you begin by talking about how Angel sewed her finger. It seems like there needs to be some sort of transition paragraph the helps the reader "transition" with you home from the fabric store. You know that you went home from the fabric store and began to lay out patterns, cut fabric, piece things together, and sew. But the reader doesn't know any of that, they are not inside your memory. They only know what you tell them. The way its written right now, its kind of the like a "Hiro" moment -- in one instant they were in the fabric store, and in the very next instant, Angel sews her finger.
Think about what I have suggested, and perhaps about a paragraph that might help the reader out.
Other than that, its FABULOUSO!!!
Great work!!
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